Never ceasing to be amazed.
A Change of the Seasons
I’ve now realized how much I am going to hate getting older. Today on the way to the funeral I began to reminisce back to the days of childhood and how simple things were. Even when my other grandfather died, I felt no remorse or thoughtfulness. I was just confused, saw my cousins, and time went on. Things are different this time around.
I’ve almost finished out the whole week with four people dying all at once; I’ve realized I want to be six again. I went and stood in the lines, one of them an hour long wait in line, and realized how hard this adult thing may be. This time around at a funeral, as an 18 year old, I’m not playing around in the back room and looking at the funny looking couches and sofas. I’m helping my mother, my relatives, standing in lines, greeting people, and wandering around aimlessly at times with nothing to do but mingle.
It’s been nice to see my relatives home, well, some of them, haha. It will be a treat to finally meet Sharon. There is excitement yet busyness all over the house. The fridge is stocked with enough food to feed an army, quite unbelievable. It’s amazing to see people love so much. I thank them again and again.
Tonight is when it hit me, I guess one could say. After the viewing hours were over, the place had cleared out and there are 3 rooms connected to each other that lead up to the front. It was just Grandpa and I. As my mother and aunt figured out the flowers and their designated homes for after the service tomorrow, I walked up and I thought about how much Grandpa loved me. I never really thought about it too much, and I began to cry. he treasured my visits, my marker drawings, my twiddling on the piano. I slowly placed my hand on his, looked at his face, and whispered the words softly to him “I love you.”
On the way home I looked up at the stars and I began to miss him. At times I had this anger living inside of me because of the hardship it was to the family, especially my mother. But now I look back and wouldn’t have it any other way. I now longer have a gradnfather.I even began to regret things and wondered if I could have done anything more in my busy life of growing up in those teenage years. It’s strange to make the corner to my room because I pass his old room; now it not longer has a bed but just a small sofa chair with a cat that misses him dearly. It’s an empty room.
In a way, this is the best. He can see his beautiful wife and his beloved son; he can look at all his children from heaven now all at once, something that rarely happens when you have ten children.
It will be an adjustment for my mother. It all seems like blur right now because everything is just passing along like time doesn’t exists. But when my brother and I head back to our Universities, I’m sure mother will be checking in due to force of habit. She gave her life up to take care of him. She laid down her friends and her hobbies to stop and do one of the Lord’s commandments that she truly took to heart: Honor thy father and mother.
Even the cat is trying to deal with the changing of seasons. He’s sleeping in my room, which he never does, and is looking for some extra love now and days. He sits in the empty room and looks around, wondering who is going to vigourously pet him. But Jake has nothing to worry about, that cat is as strong as Grandpa was, he will cope. And besides, that cat deserves to be Tiger if he has a next life. He was a close companion. A brave one at that.
I got home and took of the borrowed shoes from my cousin to give my aching feet a rest. I changed out of my clothes that carry the scent of funeral home and look over at my Christmas tree. I think about plugging in the twinkle light but it just doesn’t seem fitting. I now understand why Christmas can be the most difficult time of the year for people. It just doesn’t feel like a jolly time for them.
Grandpa’s passing seems so surreal, but all in all, it’s human and life goes on, but his memory remains. I can’t count the timeless stories that have been recalled tonight about my grandfather and all the memories of his hobbies, life, and just plain silliness. It’s good to see that we are not grieving as if the death was unfortunate, but in a way, a blessing to him. He now gets to do what he loves instead of confined to the house. That’s what make things best out of all of it. It was his time.
I, too, remember.
I’ve almost finished out the whole week with four people dying all at once; I’ve realized I want to be six again. I went and stood in the lines, one of them an hour long wait in line, and realized how hard this adult thing may be. This time around at a funeral, as an 18 year old, I’m not playing around in the back room and looking at the funny looking couches and sofas. I’m helping my mother, my relatives, standing in lines, greeting people, and wandering around aimlessly at times with nothing to do but mingle.
It’s been nice to see my relatives home, well, some of them, haha. It will be a treat to finally meet Sharon. There is excitement yet busyness all over the house. The fridge is stocked with enough food to feed an army, quite unbelievable. It’s amazing to see people love so much. I thank them again and again.
Tonight is when it hit me, I guess one could say. After the viewing hours were over, the place had cleared out and there are 3 rooms connected to each other that lead up to the front. It was just Grandpa and I. As my mother and aunt figured out the flowers and their designated homes for after the service tomorrow, I walked up and I thought about how much Grandpa loved me. I never really thought about it too much, and I began to cry. he treasured my visits, my marker drawings, my twiddling on the piano. I slowly placed my hand on his, looked at his face, and whispered the words softly to him “I love you.”
On the way home I looked up at the stars and I began to miss him. At times I had this anger living inside of me because of the hardship it was to the family, especially my mother. But now I look back and wouldn’t have it any other way. I now longer have a gradnfather.I even began to regret things and wondered if I could have done anything more in my busy life of growing up in those teenage years. It’s strange to make the corner to my room because I pass his old room; now it not longer has a bed but just a small sofa chair with a cat that misses him dearly. It’s an empty room.
In a way, this is the best. He can see his beautiful wife and his beloved son; he can look at all his children from heaven now all at once, something that rarely happens when you have ten children.
It will be an adjustment for my mother. It all seems like blur right now because everything is just passing along like time doesn’t exists. But when my brother and I head back to our Universities, I’m sure mother will be checking in due to force of habit. She gave her life up to take care of him. She laid down her friends and her hobbies to stop and do one of the Lord’s commandments that she truly took to heart: Honor thy father and mother.
Even the cat is trying to deal with the changing of seasons. He’s sleeping in my room, which he never does, and is looking for some extra love now and days. He sits in the empty room and looks around, wondering who is going to vigourously pet him. But Jake has nothing to worry about, that cat is as strong as Grandpa was, he will cope. And besides, that cat deserves to be Tiger if he has a next life. He was a close companion. A brave one at that.
I got home and took of the borrowed shoes from my cousin to give my aching feet a rest. I changed out of my clothes that carry the scent of funeral home and look over at my Christmas tree. I think about plugging in the twinkle light but it just doesn’t seem fitting. I now understand why Christmas can be the most difficult time of the year for people. It just doesn’t feel like a jolly time for them.
Grandpa’s passing seems so surreal, but all in all, it’s human and life goes on, but his memory remains. I can’t count the timeless stories that have been recalled tonight about my grandfather and all the memories of his hobbies, life, and just plain silliness. It’s good to see that we are not grieving as if the death was unfortunate, but in a way, a blessing to him. He now gets to do what he loves instead of confined to the house. That’s what make things best out of all of it. It was his time.
I, too, remember.
posted by Lindsay K. at 8:55 PM
1 Comments:
This was so beautifully written, Lindsay, it also made me cry.
It was so great to meet you after all this time. I am so grateful to be getting to know you now.
Thank you for writing this.
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