Never ceasing to be amazed.
Mirror, Mirror, on the wall...
I love getting mail, especially when I get a little yellow card in my mailbox indicated that I have received something that is too big for my mailbox. I then take that slip and give it to the mail clerk during their office hours and receive my present from Post Master General. Usually, its junk mail; but this time it’s been graphic design junk mail.
I don’t know who gave them my number or address or even my name, but all of a sudden this semester I am receiving mail from design companies from all over the country out the butt. Some think I am a hopeful client and others are schools that are trying to wheel me into their university.
No thanks, one culture shock is enough for me, at least for awhile. I just got comfy and put my feet up in Edinboro. Besides, these schools are in California and New York. Do I look like Felicity?
But the downside of getting this mail is what it does to me psychologically. I take a leaf through what I receive and their brochure. That’s when my mind takes me for a joy ride of suspense and fear, doubt and worry, and other crazy ventures that cause me to act like a big turtle- pull the limbs in and wait out the storm.
“What if I’m not good at this…”
What if I can’t do this…”
“What if I don’t like it…”
Hmm…and that’s only the beginning. From there I go into deeper thought and analyze myself once again. I’m not super artistic like some people on campus. I don’t have the dyed hair with the patches on coats and random and weird piercing. I’m not super talented or born for arty stardom. I inquired my roommate about the packaged mail she received. It was a brochure for the school she wanted to go to in Ohio that is six hours from her house. She read me the list of classes they take, many more than here and they seem more “sophisticated” and “upper-level”, but it is far too expensive for her so she declines her admission to go there. Besides, the gang of pals (including) has told her she isn’t leaving here anyway. We would punish her, haha. And I would be without a roommate and subject to who knows what horrors.
But back to the matter at hand, she spoke of a friend who attended the university that took a trip to a year in Italy. I said “Wow” and she said “I know”. I pondered a bit and then asked “Would you go if you could?” and she replied “Of course!” Hence lays my other personality defect in life.
I’m a home slice.
I don’t want to be super artsy; I don’t want to travel the world right now in search for my graphic design studies either. I’m not a design guru, at least not yet. I’m still sticking my toe in the water and swooshing it around to see if I like the temperature before I take a dive in. I plan to stay in the state of PA until majorly prompted and get a job I like that isn’t super demanding and weird; if I can get a job at all. I fear I’ll be the next unemployed art hobo on the streets of Las Vegas! My roommate can spend hours and hours in front of a computer and not even take in any side effects whereas I can spend a lot of time the old hummer but too much makes my eyes hurt and I get a small case of the crazies, hence the possibility of a communication minor so I get a little bit more of an edge to the whole field. At the same time I want to be a home slice and be in the country, to be normal, to settle down, and to just be me.
Plus, the fact of leaving wuvor for such a long period of time would unravel me. I can’t imagine being six hours away from him, even a whole entire year! Two hours does havoc on my heart and nerves. It’s sad to say but…I am a suitcase college junkie. That means…I come home every weekend. I have stayed up here three weekends so far, but due to some changing events, it looks like I might be spending a bit more time up here than I expected. I don’t go home to see the grass grow green; I come home to see wuvor. Hopefully I can help him get into a school to use that smart noodle upstairs in his brain, even if it costs us some together time because I care about his future. Besides, he has a car and he could drive and visit me and I visit him (somehow). I don’t know. That’s a long ways off.
Sometimes I get this mail and feel like I want to move home and have an ordinary job with a family, house, dog and a cool vacuum (I already have one of those, and it really sucks.) (Bad joke.)
Is it the world playing with my head that is trying to turn me into something I am not? Some trendy and expensive woman who wears black outfits and has thin glasses who wears high heels and clicks everywhere she goes or the computer junkie living out of an apartment in the basement in the city or the average day designer with a communication touch with a firm and doing her job and having a good time?
Currently I am taking an Intro to Computer Software course that I am enjoying. Other people I know say I’d be great for what I am majoring in. I’m so confused I don’t want to do anything artsy, not even the reading I have to do in my QuarkXPress book for class. Sometimes I wish I was dropped a hint on where to go so I know I couldn’t fail.
Later gators.
I don’t know who gave them my number or address or even my name, but all of a sudden this semester I am receiving mail from design companies from all over the country out the butt. Some think I am a hopeful client and others are schools that are trying to wheel me into their university.
No thanks, one culture shock is enough for me, at least for awhile. I just got comfy and put my feet up in Edinboro. Besides, these schools are in California and New York. Do I look like Felicity?
But the downside of getting this mail is what it does to me psychologically. I take a leaf through what I receive and their brochure. That’s when my mind takes me for a joy ride of suspense and fear, doubt and worry, and other crazy ventures that cause me to act like a big turtle- pull the limbs in and wait out the storm.
“What if I’m not good at this…”
What if I can’t do this…”
“What if I don’t like it…”
Hmm…and that’s only the beginning. From there I go into deeper thought and analyze myself once again. I’m not super artistic like some people on campus. I don’t have the dyed hair with the patches on coats and random and weird piercing. I’m not super talented or born for arty stardom. I inquired my roommate about the packaged mail she received. It was a brochure for the school she wanted to go to in Ohio that is six hours from her house. She read me the list of classes they take, many more than here and they seem more “sophisticated” and “upper-level”, but it is far too expensive for her so she declines her admission to go there. Besides, the gang of pals (including) has told her she isn’t leaving here anyway. We would punish her, haha. And I would be without a roommate and subject to who knows what horrors.
But back to the matter at hand, she spoke of a friend who attended the university that took a trip to a year in Italy. I said “Wow” and she said “I know”. I pondered a bit and then asked “Would you go if you could?” and she replied “Of course!” Hence lays my other personality defect in life.
I’m a home slice.
I don’t want to be super artsy; I don’t want to travel the world right now in search for my graphic design studies either. I’m not a design guru, at least not yet. I’m still sticking my toe in the water and swooshing it around to see if I like the temperature before I take a dive in. I plan to stay in the state of PA until majorly prompted and get a job I like that isn’t super demanding and weird; if I can get a job at all. I fear I’ll be the next unemployed art hobo on the streets of Las Vegas! My roommate can spend hours and hours in front of a computer and not even take in any side effects whereas I can spend a lot of time the old hummer but too much makes my eyes hurt and I get a small case of the crazies, hence the possibility of a communication minor so I get a little bit more of an edge to the whole field. At the same time I want to be a home slice and be in the country, to be normal, to settle down, and to just be me.
Plus, the fact of leaving wuvor for such a long period of time would unravel me. I can’t imagine being six hours away from him, even a whole entire year! Two hours does havoc on my heart and nerves. It’s sad to say but…I am a suitcase college junkie. That means…I come home every weekend. I have stayed up here three weekends so far, but due to some changing events, it looks like I might be spending a bit more time up here than I expected. I don’t go home to see the grass grow green; I come home to see wuvor. Hopefully I can help him get into a school to use that smart noodle upstairs in his brain, even if it costs us some together time because I care about his future. Besides, he has a car and he could drive and visit me and I visit him (somehow). I don’t know. That’s a long ways off.
Sometimes I get this mail and feel like I want to move home and have an ordinary job with a family, house, dog and a cool vacuum (I already have one of those, and it really sucks.) (Bad joke.)
Is it the world playing with my head that is trying to turn me into something I am not? Some trendy and expensive woman who wears black outfits and has thin glasses who wears high heels and clicks everywhere she goes or the computer junkie living out of an apartment in the basement in the city or the average day designer with a communication touch with a firm and doing her job and having a good time?
Currently I am taking an Intro to Computer Software course that I am enjoying. Other people I know say I’d be great for what I am majoring in. I’m so confused I don’t want to do anything artsy, not even the reading I have to do in my QuarkXPress book for class. Sometimes I wish I was dropped a hint on where to go so I know I couldn’t fail.
Later gators.
posted by Lindsay K. at 5:04 PM
2 Comments:
Lindsay, I swear you and Sharon are cut from the same cloth. This self doubt is normal, but I promise you will do well. The people that don't do well are the people who never wonder or worry if they will. I have it on good authority that you are talented. As for the super trendy/super cool/super artsy/pierced people they are just screaming out for attention(not that it's a bad thing), but you know who you are and don't need everyone else to approve of you. You have a quiet elegance. Relax, and study you will do well.
P.S. If things are meant to be with your boyfriend no amount of time away improving yourself is going to matter. Take a risk and do what your heart really desires people that truly love you always will.
Yes, what Melonie said. I seem to say that everywhere she's been, but she's right.
You don't have to know right now what you are going to do for the rest of your life. On the other hand, the choices you make now will affect the rest of your future, so it's good to at least be open to the possibilities that are out there.
As a college professor once told me, "You don't have to know what you do want; you just have to know what you don't want."
You can get a great education where you're at; if you like it there, stay. I switched colleges after the first year. It was a broader experience, but I know I would have finished school if I had stayed where I was at. The main thing is, just get the degree. Transfer anywhere else and you might lose the credits.
Once you've gotten the degree, you can do whatever you want to. You can try a field; if you don't like it, you can change it slightly. This is coming from someone who changed her major five times. I know what you're going through. It will work out all right. I promise.
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